A Love Story: Lynne and Sex Camp

There was once a little doggie named Lynne. She happened to be my doggie. Now if you haven't met Lynne, you should. Here are a few facts about her: She is a tiny little munchkin dog who has a lesbian haircut, doesn't move all day long, and dances on when she has to go outside. To know her is to love her. When she sleeps she snores more than Jessi Schumacher. It is a soothing, melodic sound and I love to drift off to sleep spooning with Lynne, listening to her beautiful snoring noises. 

Who couldn't love sleeping with this?

Now, like any little dog trying to make it in this big, lonely word, Lynne was looking for love. She looked up and down Dorsett Drive, but every dog was either too big, or not man enough for her. She was becoming more and more disappointed as days went by and she still had no dog to love her like she deserved. The Dybevik family was getting progressively frustrated as well because we wanted the best for our little Lynne, and we also wanted some little puppies for her (we knew she would make a great mother). As time went by, the family and Lynne were at our wits end... What could we do to find Lynne a soulmate (and get some little pups out of the endeavor)? Then we heard about this glorious place where little doggies like Lynne to go to find love. One might consider the place to be a weekend love retreat... or better yet, "Sex Camp."

So Lynne packed her bag, and with her heart filled with optimism and a thirst for romance, she bounded off to Sex Camp. She spent the weekend at a Shih Tzu Love Guru's palace (aka a breeder) filled with tiny little romantic prospects running amuck, all seeking the same thing: love. Now on the first day, Lynne mingled with the other doggies, drank doggie cosmos and made small talk about her interests and goals in life. However she went to bed disappointed because she just couldn't seem to make a doggie connection with anyone at camp. "Was she destined to be alone forever?" she wondered. She maintained her tiny heart full of optimism though, telling herself tomorrow was a new day, and her soul mate could be right around the corner. But the next day went the same way... meaningless small talk, empty flirting, and no true love connection. Lynne was packing up her doggie bags and trying to hold back tears when a manly little black-and-white spotted Shih Tzu sauntered up to her, exuding the confidence and charisma of a pure bred German Shepard. His name was Buster, and he was perfect. Needless to say they fell in love and did what little doggies do at Sex Camp. When my mother came to pick Lynne up from her romantic weekend, she gave Buster a tearful goodbye and made her way back Dorsett Drive with no tail wagging in site. Would she ever see him again?

Lynne was so depressed after having to leave Buster that she slept for days and days and didn't move from the couch.

She ate pints of Ben & Jerry's and watched movies like "The Notebook" and "Sleepless in Seattle." This went on for days until Lynne got some wonderful news. She was going to have babies! She was so ecstatic at the thought of starting a tiny family that she smiled for days. Just like this: 

Was she sad about having to leave Buster? Yes. But these puppies were going to fill that void and mend that broken heart. After a few long and excitement filled months, two beautiful boys were brought into this world: Sam and Gabe. They came out like tiny little balls of fur, and I bonded with them over little naps and cuddle sessions.

As time went on, Lynne's heart healed and Sam and Gabe brought joy and meaning into her little doggy life. They grew into a beautiful furry family and now spend all day, every day together; sleeping, napping, taking walks, and eating my clothes. And thus ends a story of romance, adventure, and most of all, love. The story of Lynne and Sex Camp is one that claims the title of "Happily Ever After."

What's a girl to do with no Band-Aid?

I made a very silly mistake today. As I was walking to class I realized I was wearing the skinny jeans that chafe my cute little achilles tendon as I walk. I really should have remembered this and rolled them up before putting my boots on because this whole problem could have been easily prevented. The chafing got consequently worse as I walked the long, cold walk from Nora to class. By the time I got to class I was gimping in the room and quite sure of the fact that the skin on my ankle was torn to pieces. So I skiddadled off to the bathroom to check on it, and sure enough, there was a nice little piece of skin hanging off the back of my ankle. Sad lyfe. I decided to tough it out and go back to class and deal with it later (mainly because I was so excited to peer edit my Mesa Redonda Number Uno and couldn't stand to miss one second of my riveting Spanish Class).

After class I ducked back into the bathroom to see if they had a Band-Aid dispenser, but there were none in site. Then I noticed something on the counter that might suffice... A box of maxipads! If you think about it, I guess a pad is like a giant Band-Aid... It's like a big piece of gauze right? So I decided to try it out. I rolled up my jeans, stuck the pad on my ankle to cover up my gaping, chafed-up wound, and put my boot back on. It didn't occur to me until I'm walking up the stairs out of the building that applying the sticky strip directly to my wound wasn't the brightest idea, because now it's pulling it in all directions with every step I take. I thought about readjusting, but then realized my entire Spanish class was walking behind me and if they saw me pull a maxipad out of my boot, they might never want to me partners with me again (then who would edit my Mesa Redonda?!). So I gimped on over to the closest safe haven: Walter Library. This brings me to the present: I am now sitting here with a maxipad stuck to my ankle, hidden in my boot, surrounded my a room of judgmental AZNs. So what am I supposed to do? I could go to the bathroom to take it off, but then I'd be stuck with the original problem of the ankle/skinny jean chafing (combined with the fact that I don't trust any of these people to watch my computer as I scurry off).

So that's my daily dilemma. A seemingly brilliant idea turned sour when put into action. In short, a maxipad Band-Aid that didn't work out as well as I'd originally hoped.

Diary of a Hive-Filled Life

I have recently come to the conclusion that God, in his infinite wisdom and humor, finds it hilarious to plague me with unusual body abnormalities. Within the past year, I have been struck down with a debilitating case of swine flu (this included the embarrassing experience of having to go to urgent care wearing a surgical mask), pink eye - not once, but twice (and considering when you get a case of pink eye you're forced to throw out all of your makeup, this is one extremely expensive - not to mention disgusting - virus), and now, the most recent case of my unusual health hiccups: hives. For the past two weeks or so, my body has been covered with red little bumps, vaguely resembling blotchy patches of acne (hot). As if the fact that I look like a sunburnt leper wasn't bad enough, I'm the itchiest girl to ever walk the face of the planet. I itch in the morning when I wake up, I itch while I drink my coffee, I itch while I lie in bed and watch continuous hours of Netflix, I itch while I eat dinner, and I itch while I fall asleep. Now some people may be thinking "Suck it up, Robin." Well to those people: YOU suck it up! It may not seem that bad, but to constantly be scratching yourself trying to sooth an incessant itch is obnoxious, never-ending, and not exactly deemed socially acceptable. Right now I'm sitting in Coffman Union scratching at my collar bone,  hoping the creepy boy in the bright yellow hat seated across from me doesn't glance over at me while sipping his exceedingly feminine-looking drink (next time skip the cookies and cream frappucino and settle for a coffee, sir).

Now, the obvious solution to this problem is to go to the doctor. Well I tried that. The trip resulted in the doctor taking the time to spell out "HI" on my back by scratching it into my skin with a toothpick and watching the hives magically appear. Then she told me to wait it out. Well thanks m'am, I'm glad that you're able to use me as a human hive-filled magic erase board, but that answer is a little disconcerting considering my fantasies have shifted from cuddling with Clay Matthews to cuddling with a cactus as I fall asleep.

Not only are these little buggers all over my chest, back, stomach, arms and legs, but they have invaded my lovely little dome. In other words, the skin on my face is awkwardly blotchy and bumpy, and my scalp is constantly burning. I don't think I'm going to make any friends in my new classes because I'm sure I'm known as the girl who sits in the back scratching at her noggin all hour, while awkwardly fidgeting in her chair. Not only has it affected my new life in academia, it has affected my life at home. My roommates are now used to me walking around shirtless, tearing at my skin. Bethany's love-filled reaction is "Aw! Can I get you anything???" While my sweet, sweet, sweet-hearted roommate Maggie's response is, "Ohmygod stop doing that." ("What a sweetheart!").

Luckily since it's so cold in this blustery city, I can cover it up like this:

...without being mistaken for the unibomber. It's also lucky that I'm off the market romantically because I know every red-blooded male who sees this picture is going to want to snatch me up, and I'm too busy scratching my hives to start dating right now. Sorry boys. When it gets to be less cold out and this look would be frowned upon, perhaps I'll start wearing polos and popping my collar. This raises yet another problem that 1) I don't own a polo and 2) I'm not a douchebag. Though I'm pretty sure Sam Kubek would let me borrow his Carlson polo if I'm extra nice to him, hoorah.

I'm going to go home now, dose up on my new best friend, Benadryl (and Pinot Noir), and pray that God finds it in his heart to be kind to my fragile body... knowing that bearded fellow however, I'll probably end up with a case of the Tree-Man disease next month.