TWNS1101

With everyone registering for classes these days (except for this girl, who doesn't register until the 23rd, and will therefore probably not get any of the classes I need to take, and therefore have my graduation delayed, and therefore get sick of college, and therefore drop out), I thought I'd save all of you the trouble of signing up for one class that you all need to take before you graduate.

TWNS1101: Introduction to Differences Between Samantha and Jessica Schumacher

Meet your professor,Robin Clare Dybevik. My background includes spending every waking hour with said twins in the school year of 2009-10, and continuing my twin experience by choosing to reside with them throughout the school year of 2010-2011. Needless to say I am an expert in TWNS (aside from when they're in the shower, that's the only time I have difficulty telling them apart. But that's a story for another time). I also share an extensive wardrobe with aforementioned twins... except for last winter when I blew up like Regina George on Kalteen bars (thanks a lot dining hall soft-serve ice cream machines...) and had to give half of my jeans to the twins until they fit me again. Don't worry. They do. Applaud me at any time. 

Now before I begin this rigorous class, I must start with a short tale. Many moons ago, I was fiddling around in my brand new dorm room with my brand new roommate, Claire Anderson, trying to figure out how to set up our brand new cable. Being not so technologically savvy, and having no success thus far, I decided to venture out of my comfort zone of the very soon to be "Red Flagged" room #401 (Four-Oh-Fun or Four-Oh-Write-Up or Four-Oh-IhopeIdon'tgetkickedoutofherebeforetheschoolyearends) and look for help. I stumbled into the room a few doors down, where I found a cute looking blond girl, and another cute looking blond girl. I explained my problem, and they enthusiastically agreed to help. Looking back, this is vaguely hilarious, because neither Sammi nor Jessi knows anything about wires and cables, and are certainly not able to set up a cable box, even if they did combine their two little blond brains. Anyway, this was how I met Jessica and Samantha Schumacher; wondering aimlessly around the 4th floor of Territorial Hall, trying to piece together my brand new college life. 

Fast forward 15 months later: Class time.

Let's go one by one here. We'll start with Jessi.

Jessi Schumacher

1. Hair: Jessi = Short Hair. Sammi = Long Hair. If they had discussed hair cuts together and decided to be considerate of everyone else, they would have had SAMMI get the haircut, so that people could associate the two S's (Sammi Short). But they're selfish, so they picked Jessi to have short hair, which allows the brain to maintain to correlation. 
2. Scar: Jessi happens to have a big beautiful scar on her cheek. I gave it to her when she kept making fun of me for having pink eye... in both of my eyes... twice. She wouldn't shut that adorable little mouth of hers, so I socked her. Just kidding, she got bit in the face by a Great Dane. Another selfish move on the twins' part however, because you could also correlate the two S's in this case (Sammi Scar). Once again, selfish.

 

3. Spelling: Now I realize this isn't a physical characteristic but it is worth explaining. If you should ever communicate with Jessi via email, text or Facebook chat you will know it is her. When she tells you she defiantly wants to go out tonight, or she totally nos what you're going through, that she is righting a paper right now, or that of coarse she's excited for the weekend, you will know it's Jessi. 

Now, let's move on to Sammi.

Sammi Schumacher

(Yes, she still looks like this after this week's fiasco)

Now we've already been over the fact that she has longer hair, and is lacking a lovely scar on her face, so let's continue in some other distinguishing factors.

1. Cheeks: Sammi has these chubby little cheeks. They're fatter than Jessi's, and they just make you want to squeeze her face. Some say she just has a wider face... nope, she's got some fat little cheeks.
2. Eyes: Sammi's eyes are a little greener than Jessi's, and a little droopier. Especially along the outside corners. Her eyes are her drunk detectors. You know Sammi is drunk when her eyes are so droopy that they look like they are just about to melt off of her face. 

3. Feisty: Not exactly a characteristic you can pick out if you see her in a crowd, but important nonetheless. Sometimes Sammi forgets to use her words. This usually only happens after a very long, late night. I've been punched (deserved it), Jessi's gotten a kick or two to the dome, and I've seen her kill baby bunnies. Just kidding about that last part. This one does infact have some letter correlation though: Sassy Sammi!

Of course there are many other smaller characteristics between the two which makes it possible to tell them apart: Sammi has more of a knack for avoiding Police than Jessi does, Jessi works out more than Sammi, Sammi has more junk in the trunk, Sammi likes to make comments like "When I weigh myself, I subtract 12 lbs, because that's how much your brain weighs. Actually, I subtract 14, because I like to think my brain is just bigger than most people's," and last but not least, the most important difference in my mind, Jessi really loves to rub my feet, and Sammi doesn't. 

In conclusion to this lovely course, these two little ladies are different people, and you should treat them as such. However, they are the same in many ways... they both laugh in sync, and it's rather creepy when it happens. They both like to surprise me with early morning cuddle seshes, they both have a disturbing obsession with both Britney Spears and Perez Hilton, and neither of them like to be pantsed :/. 

Oh, one last difference that is quite key: Jessi is about 8 months pregnant.